Can You See Me Now?

This past weekend was rough.  I spent much of it in a major funk.  I'm not proud of it, but I allowed the behavior of others to get to me and I wallowed in my hurt and anger for a good while before I asked God to help me out of the muck.

Saturday we went on a bus trip to see the Christmas light display in Oglebay, WV.  I had originally asked a friend to go.  She agreed and then ran with the idea...inviting her granddaughter, then suggesting our husbands.  I was okay with that.  I love her 17 year old granddaughter and our husbands get along well so I thought it would be fun.

Then my friend invited everyone in our Bible study group.  I wasn't thrilled with that idea, but went along with it.  All but one sweet, gentle, quiet woman said they were unable to go.  I was okay with that.  

For some reason, my friend twisted the arm of the woman who gets on my nerves the most until she agreed to come.  Don't get me wrong, I love this woman as a sister in Christ, but I love her in small doses and I am honest enough to admit that if we did not have Christ between us we would NEVER be friends.

To say I wasn't thrilled is an understatement.  The invited woman is that woman who can only talk to one friend at a time.  If there are three woman in the group, one will be left out because she cannot include two and there is never a time when she steps back and allows the other two to talk.  She monopolizes whomever she has set her sights on...and then she talks.  Non-stop.  About herself.  And she is someone who just dwells on EVERYTHING and talks about the same thing, whatever it is that day, over and over.  And over.  

Still, I was being "okay" with it.  The husbands were going, my friend promised we'd put them together and then we girls could all just chat and have a good time.  Uh, huh.  The husbands were both not feeling well and not much company at all.  Plus, they found the trip a total bore.  The quiet, gentle woman had to back out of the trip because her father was in the hospital.  And then the talker had her daughter bring along a friend.  I knew at that point that I was going to be the odd woman out for the day.  I just never dreamed it would be so...complete.

She claimed the seat next to the friend I had invited and monopolized her the entire trip.  I tried a couple of times to enter the conversation, but got short answers and then was ignored again.  By the time we got home I was tired, miserable, hurt, and absolutely seething with anger.  I had started the whole ball rolling and I ended up having a terrible time.

I left giving them the cold shoulder and really bit my tongue when the "talker" came running after me saying I couldn't sneak out without giving her a goodbye hug.  Really?  After you acted like I wasn't even there all day.  I wasn't feeling any more generous toward my friend, either.  She could have steered things a bit, but didn't.

My friend called yesterday and I wasn't going to answer, but I finally did.  She gushed about what a good time she had.  That is when I let her know in no uncertain terms that I did not, that I was hurt and disappointed.  She was as clueless as the "talker."  Her tune changed when she realized how upset I was and I let her think everything was okay with us.  It's not.  Not yet.

The thing I kept telling my husband over and over is that I felt completely invisible the whole day.  That is such a horrible feeling.  It is, unfortunately, one I am very familiar with.  People make me feel that way a LOT.  The women in my Bible study, co-workers, even my family.  I often try to enter into the conversations going on around me, but can't get a word in.  Or I will be talking to someone and they will just turn away and talk to someone else like I wasn't even talking.  Or I say something to someone and they don't even hear me.

I am the person that no one seeks out....unless they want something from me or they are angry at me and want to let me know it.

I spent some time reading articles online yesterday about women who feel invisible.  There are TONS of articles so there must be a lot of us out here feeling this way.  One of the ones I read was a list of traits that charismatic people (the popular people everyone wants to be around share) and I had to admit those are not me.  These traits are:

• Radiating self-assurance through non-verbals. In other words, they appear confident.  They carry themselves with good posture, they don't act unsure of themselves, they are decisive, they appear calm when they don't know something...knowing that life will go on and it will be okay.
• They speak their mind.  They don't let worry over what the other person will think of them stop them from speaking up in conversations.  They don't over analyze what they say, think, or do.  (They definitely don't let everyone think it's okay when they are seething.)
• They appear natural.  They are confident, at ease, sure of themselves.  
• They are comfortable with discomfort.  Everyone feels uncomfortable at times, the popular people just don't show it.  They know that people only see what you let them see and they choose a confident persona.
• They are 100 percent present.  They know how to make the other person feel wanted and listened to. (The "talker" on my trip?  She's a pro at this if she wants the attention of someone.  That is how she was able to monopolize my friend.  Of course, she takes this to unhealthy levels of sucking up and ego-stroking.  My friend ate it up with a spoon!)

That's just a beginning, but in these I see so much I have to work on.  There is also another area I absolutely have to work on.  My weight.  I need to change things for health reasons, but I also need to change for reasons of invisibility. I don't care what anyone says, people treat you differently when you are overweight.  They make judgments about the kind of person you are and many automatically decide your worth as a human being is somehow less.

Today is Monday.  A new week.  A fresh start.  I am determined to gain substance, to lose the cloak of invisibility.  I am asking the Lord to be my strength, to take away any desire I have for unhealthy foods, and steel my resolve in practicing the above traits.  I am asking all of you to encourage me and keep me accountable and honest.

Step by Step

Catching you up on the whole effort to live healthier today.

For starters, I have been attempting the intermittent fasting.  I haven't made it through a 19 hour cycle yet.  I don't know if I ever will.  That is a long time!  And I have a friend who is successful using a 12-16 hour fast cycle.

What I have been trying is the first step of not eating until noon.  I've adjusted that a little because in the book, Fast-5, Dr. Herring wants you to stop eating at 10pm and then not eat until noon the following day.  I stop eating before 10, so I can back up that noon time accordingly.

What I have found is that I am a lot more hungry....like actual growling stomach hungry....when I do this.  That's supposed to be good.  It means my body is burning stored calories rather than newly consumed ones.

Eventually, the plan is to push that noon time meal back to a later time (the magic 19 hours from the previous meal) so that I am only eating during a 5-hour window later in the day.  Dr. Herring recommends 5pm-10pm for eating, but once I go back to work those exact hours won't really work with my schedule.

Of course, along with only eating during those hours you can make dietary changes.  You don't have to count calories, but you can do things like avoid processed foods and wheat products....just an example and what someone I know is doing to high praise from her doctor.

In more exciting news, my Total Gym was delivered yesterday! I had to wait for my husband to get home to get it in the house and get it set up, so I haven't worked out on it yet.  That's next up when I finish here.

I love how it folds up and fits in a small space (about 2'x2') when not in use and how easy it is to work.  The one complaint I have is the out-of-the-box set up instructions.  They are about as clear as mud.  My husband and I were both trying to understand them to no avail and tempers were getting short. He finally quit and told me to figure it out myself.  What I ended up doing was finding a YouTube video on how to fold it up to put it away and working backward from it.  The pictures in the manual don't match up with what I had to do to set the thing up at all.

So, that's where I am.  And I have to say "Anonymous's" comment on yesterday's post may have been meant innocently or it may have been a thinly veiled comment on my weight, but it sure pointed out the need to get busy on this journey.

Let's Do This

Still running tired...as evidenced by the fact that I just woke up from an hour long snooze sitting here.  Man, I hope I can get back on some kind of schedule that works once school starts.

Speaking of that...only two more weeks of summer vacation.  It really hasn't been much of a vacation.  I mean with the whole truck/car situation I've mostly been stuck at home all summer, but hey, I wasn't driving the bus so it counts.

My feelings about my husband's truck haven't improved, really.  If anything, his feelings about it are deteriorating. (He mentioned something about wanting to set it on fire the other day.) We are pretty sure that the fix is a simple little part that just "pops right on."  The problem is that you have to take about half the engine apart to get to it.  My man doesn't have enough experience to take it on and he doesn't have all the tools he'd need anyway.

There is some good news.  Distant cousins of mine who have a garage think they can fix it.  We are taking it to them tonight to look at it, anyway. If it turns out they can't help us, we've scrounged up another garage in town that will work on diesels.  Just an FYI in case you or someone you love ever thinks about buying a diesel truck...there are very few garages that work on diesel engines other than brand (Ford, Dodge, Chevy) garages, which are RIDICULOUSLY expensive.

This little procedure came with an $8000 price tag at the Ford garage!
You'd think they would have replaced the fuel pressure sensors at the time.
You'd think wrong.

Ah, well....I'm learning to control negative thinking so that's enough dwelling on the whole truck thing.

I'm watching Dr. Oz.  He's got a guy on talking about intermittent fasting.  I have a couple of friends who practice this method of dieting.  Depending on which expert you are listening to, the premise is that you don't eat for 12-16 hours of the day.  For example if you eat your final meal of the day at 8:00 in the evening, you wouldn't eat again until somewhere between 8:00 and noon the following day.  At that time you can eat until 8:00 that evening again. Some programs say you can eat anything and that after your body adjusts you won't overeat.  Some restrict types of foods.  The one on Dr. Oz is advocating just 800 calories a day....that's not much!

The point is, my friends swear by it.  They say it makes the body burn stored fat before you put more in.  They are trying to get me to give it a try.  I am thinking about it.  I have a couple of books to read.  I'll keep you updated about what I think, learn, and try.

I am also considering the purchase of a Total Gym.  You know, the exercise machine that Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley have been endorsing for years. I am finding that I need to do some serious strength building and this seems like a realistic option.

This is the model I'm looking at.  It's the basic one.  It still costs more than I've ever spent on exercise equipment, but they have a nice deal right now....$1 for the first month and then easy payments for 8 months.  Also, they are offering free shipping!

There are a couple of more deluxe models (the top one costs nearly $4000!), but I don't think I need them.  I can add attachments to this one if I find I need to down the road.

I love that it folds up easily and will stand against the wall, out of the way when not in use.  I love that it uses your own body weight for resistance....right now I'll have plenty of resistance going on.  Ha,ha!

Yesterday I celebrated my 52nd birthday.  It's past time to get serious about my health.  I've said it before, but something is shifting in my mind.  Part of enjoying and making the most of these empty nest years is having the best health possible.  I'm ready to do what I have to do.

Zzzzzzzz.....

I'm sitting here (again) like a great, big slug.  A great, big, TIRED slug. Something has got to give soon.  Between my husband and the dogs I am not getting enough sleep at night and haven't been for most of the summer.

This tiredness just has me feeling off all day.  I don't have energy.  I'm beginning to agree with something that I read about lack of sleep being a contributing factor to weight gain....too tired to make something healthy so I simply grab what's quick and comforting, which is nearly always laden with either carbs, sugar, or both!

I hate to even think this, but it is looking like my only solution is to start going to bed at the same hideously early hour my husband does, which is usually by 8:00.  Maybe I could stretch it to 9:00...or 9:30???

Anyway, something must be done.  Soon.

I've gained a couple more pounds as I've sat here being a slug this summer.  It isn't much, but I can really tell.  I hate it.  I already had a lot of weight to lose. I'm not feeling well.  My aches and pains seem to have multiplied.  My thoughts are filled with fears of what's going to happen if I don't get a handle on this.  As one book I read a while back stated, "You don't see fat people in nursing homes."  That's because they die before they get that far!!!

So, I'm going to put my new resolve to change my thought patterns from negative to positive based on God's truth to use and train myself to behave differently, too.

I want to get back to working out every day.  Arthritis and other aches keep me from doing a lot of things I want to do, things that I used to enjoy doing. I know that if I can get some of this weight off it will, if not cure my pain, at least reduce it and that in turn will make it easier to do more things.

I also want to change my eating habits.  Friends of mine have given up carbs and sugars and practice intermittent fasting.  They have shared that they feel so much better...that all the little aches and pains and discomforts have disappeared.  I'd like to do that.  I am weak and it doesn't help that my husband has no interest in following a diet plan.  I've made up my mind that I am going to start trying to prepare healthy meals and he can deal with it.  If he doesn't like it, he will do what he's been doing all along and going through the fast food drive-thru while he's at work.  So be it.  I just can't have the stuff in the house or I will eat it.

Well, I just wanted to share with you where I'm at and what I hope to do. Please feel free to hold me accountable and even give me a good swift kick in the backside when I need it.